omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
