My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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