Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
