shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Randomize
