I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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