she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
