i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
