We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
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God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
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At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
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