I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
