my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
