New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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