i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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