Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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