The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
