Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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