I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
