you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Randomize
