thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
