I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize