We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
