I checked into jail on foursquare
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
