i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
