the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
