Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
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