I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
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I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
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I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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