at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
