i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
the whole time he was cumming, he did the joey lawrence WHOA. over and over. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA. WHOA.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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