Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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