i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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