Betty ford says i'm here all night
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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