I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
