So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
