Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
