I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
