stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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