Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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