party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
