So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
