Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
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