They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
