Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
