Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
