One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
