I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Randomize
