you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
