i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Randomize
