I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
