It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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