I'll bet she douches with gravy.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
