tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
