I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
Randomize
