Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
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