Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
