just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
