I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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