Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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