And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
