she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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