New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
